In our front yard, we have one lone plum tree. It is an offspring of the ones my Granny Doris had planted many years ago. The ones she used to make fresh plum jelly with every year. I miss those days of playing in the kitchen with her making all those old family recipes. I live in her house and sometimes when I am cooking her famous Crisco Pound Cakes I can feel her smiling at me over my shoulder.
The past couple of days here in south Georgia have been cloudy with rain every day. It was misting rain this morning as I was leaving for work. As I was backing up to leave, this one branch in the middle of the younger plum tree that was bursting forth in bloom. The other branches still only have the small buds. We are in transition from winter to spring here. Friday of last week, we had temperatures in the teens that morning. By Sunday it was a beautiful day in the high 70's.
This one branch that stood out among the others caught my attention. I had to get a picture. I didn't take the time at home to see the end result of what I had captured. Once at the store while on the phone with a sales rep, I decided to open up my photo gallery and see what was there. Originally, I had snapped the photo so quickly, I did not notice the rain drops on the flowers. They almost look like dew drops. My mind automatically went to this Chapter in the Bible. I have taken this passage from www.biblegateway.com.
Deuteronomy 32:1-5 (Message Translation)
The Song
"Listen, Heavens, I have something to tell you.
Attention, Earth, I've got a mouth full of words.
My teaching, let it fall like a gentle rain,
my words arrive like morning dew,
Like a sprinkling rain on new grass,
like spring showers on the garden.
For it's God's Name I'm preaching -
respond to the greatness of our God!
The Rock: His works are perfect,
and the way He works is fair and just;
A God you can depend upon, no exceptions,
a straight-arrow God."
Sometimes it is the simplest of things God puts in our path to remind us of His word. He speaks in many ways for us if we would just take the time to see and hear what He is saying. I needed to read this Scripture today as a reminder of "His works are perfect... A God you can depend upon, no exceptions." To fully rely on God and know that I can depend on Him and know His word will come to pass. It is never in our timing, always in His timing. You just have to turn it over to Him once and for all when He has told you repeatedly "I got this."
Most everyone knows a little bit about my "being single" story. It is something I am very open about. But lately I've been having those heart to hearts with myself, God, and friends of "why I am still single." It was triggered by a song I heard on WBYZ 94.5 out of Baxley, Georgia, one day when I was helping a customer.
I love music. I love the messages in the songs. I love the stories they tell. I heard this line which really caught my attention. It is one of those songs that speak to you. I wrote it down so I could go back and listen to the whole song later when my customer was gone. The line was "I don't have to take your heart, I just wanna take your time." So I Googled the part I remembered and my search landed me on another Georgia native, Sam Hunt. Sam is known for writing some amazing songs in country music. Kenny Chesney, Keith Urban, Billy Currington are some of the artists who have taken his songs to the top of the charts. Then I searched for the lyrics of the song.... Next stop was YouTube search to listen to the song in its entirety...
My story... February 1997
I had met and fallen in love with this guy in my early twenties. Funny thing is, we dated longer than most couples stay married these days. After a long term relationship and which included a long term engagement, I finally called the relationship to an end. I had blinders on my eyes for many years. I was one of those statistics you read about and think when you are younger "I'll never be one of those who takes any form abuse from a man..."
Never say never.
I experienced the emotional, physical, mental, jealous and controlling abuse for many years. The very stuff I swore I'd never allow happen to me, happened until I became this empty shell of a person who never thought she was good enough, looked good enough, could never do anything right, and had lost all confidence in her very existence. The jealously made me lose friendships. Lost time with family I'll never be able to get back. Since I was "not good enough", my thought process turned to something he would always throw in to cut me even lower "who else out there do you think will want you if you leave me?" I heard it so much I believed if I left him, no one else would even look my way. It's a mind game. After hearing it so long, you believe it. It's like you become literally brainwashed. Then when family and friends try to convince you of how much you don't deserve to be going thru the hell you are allowing to take place, you still don't leave. So you stay and just keep numbly going thru life one day at a time.
After this unhealthy relationship ended in November 2010, there was a wall I built up so high and thick the world's greatest militia couldn't tear it down. I was never going to allow any one to get close to me and hurt me again. I was finally free from the pain and misery, no one was going to have the chance to be given the power to pull me down to that level ever again. I deserved better.
Sure there were good times, but somehow you always remember the weight of the pain strapped to your back as it is packed tightly in a backpack you haul around with you. Even beneath all the negative, I truly loved the guy who stole my heart for almost 14 years. Was it hard to walk away from? Very much so. I knew way down deep as I began to find who I was again, I deserved better for me. As I walked away, I decided then and there I would never be vulnerable enough to fall in love like that again.
Remember, never say never.
There is something about a wall in the physical world versus the emotional realm. In the physical, it takes weeks or even months to build walls for buildings being built. All of the reinforcements have to be in place to make it structurally sound. There is no room for failure. Then when it is time for new construction, it only takes a tenth of the time to completely demolish the wall. Longer to build, quick to tear down.
In the emotional side of a wall's construction, it is just the opposite. Once you've been hurt, you can throw a wall up in a matter of seconds to protect and guard your heart from any future heart break and hurt. You refuse to allow anyone to have the chance to make you feel vulnerable again and risk having your heart torn completely out and served on a silver platter. It is like your heart is protected not only by walls, add a few moats filled with piranhas and alligators, drawbridges, razor sharp rolled wire fences, dragons, well you get the picture. The kings of Medieval times would be proud of how safe your have protected your heart. No one is ever going to get close enough for you to trust them with you. Therefore their mission of "just let me try" could take months (years) before you ever let them anywhere near your heart.
Then you grab life's remote control and speed things up a bit... Two years later... You cross paths with someone who completely takes you by surprise. One of those kind that hits you broadsided and you have no idea where it came from moments. You weren't looking. For six months you keep your distance because you are still wanting to keep your heart on top of Mt. Everest and not give this guy a chance. He is persistent. Each incoming text message tempts you just a little bit to give him at least one date. He deserves at least one date for all the effort he has put forth.
By no means whatsoever is he anything like the ghost from the past that haunts your present. In fact, he is everything you have ever prayed for and it honestly scares you. You know how easy it would be to fall for him. So you have now added an army of foot soldiers to the exterior of the stone walls of your heart. You have to protect yourself no matter what. He is handsome. He is sweet. He is honest. Has a great personality. He's Prince Charming disguised as a good old south Georgia boy in blue jeans and a t-shirt. **sigh**
Then you finally agree to go on a date after you've let your defenses down by removing half of the troops. It is only one date. You can't fall that easily. Right?! But there is something about this man. He is different in a good way. Each incoming text puts a smile on your face. The sun shines brighter. The days seem like they have a new purpose and a new meaning. He puts the confidence you had once lost in yourself back into play. You feel like a brand new person. You have started letting the walls down a little at the time. One date turns into another date. Then another. Then it is almost a year later. One day you wake up and realize you have pretty much fallen for him. Then all of a sudden, here comes the broken record of the heart break, heart ache playing yet again.
All of the walls go up rather quickly this time. The emotions of all the previous break up resurface. There is the dreaded broken heart. There is this jaded and apathetic side of you. After two years, the one person your trusted and let your guard down with wound up breaking your heart into a million pieces yet again.
Over the course of the next year, you go on a total of two first and last dates. None make it to see you for a second date. You don't want to go to sleep crying in your pillow. Waking up the next morning with puffy eyes. You don't want to have the emotions of yet another heart break. You decide the best way to protect yourself is to not set yourself up again to let that little naked baby with wings shoot that arrow through you heart. You don't let anyone inside your shell. Looking back over the past year you realize you've let some good guys slip right on by because you weren't ready to risk it all. One day out of the blue, one of those good guys that could have made it messages you. You start talking about different things and you decide to open up to him as to why. It was nothing to do with him.... but all about having to do with me and those walls. Thankfully he understands. He has moved on and he is happy. Sometimes it is just good to clear the air.
Dear Gentlemen....
We don't want to feel like we are being rushed. We want to be able to take our time. If it takes days, weeks, or even months... You've got to let us figure our feelings out first. If we can't realize we can trust ourselves, you aren't going get a chance for us to trust you! Just one day at a time till I know I can trust you with my fragile heart is all I ask.
As scared as we are of getting our hearts broken again, we do want to find the Prince Charming to ride off into the sunset with. We don't want to rush into relationships until we know if they are going to work. We don't like someone in our space. We need breathing room. We need air!!! We don't like guys that come on way too strong and put us in an awkward place of feeling uncomfortable. Don't make us feel like we are being backed into a corner. We do want to give you the chance to see where it may lead.
Some of us swore off dating because it is a challenge. Remember, there's a possibility we've been single a while. We love the texts and the phone calls.
Maybe I've just met you or have known you for a while. I hope you realize, I'm not into the idea of a one night stand. So don't pressure me. Don't use those fancy words that I can read right into. I'm not looking to plan our forever and ever amen during our first date. I don't want any kind of expectations or obligations until I know I can trust you.
I just want you to allow me to take my time. My heart is as fragile as a bright, shiny Christmas ball. It will crack under pressure. Let it fall, and it will shatter into a million pieces if no one is there to catch it.
We may radiate this sense of being invincible and a Wonder Woman of sorts... Oh, but if you could only see deep down the amount of fear we hide behind. The smiles you see hide more than you'll ever comprehend.
I am tired of making excuses of why I can't go and risk it all to see where a relationship may lead. I want to see why I can again! I want to know it's worth risking it all again. So let me simply take my time and be able to change my mind on my own terms. I'm not going to find a man I can live with... I want to find the one I could never live without.
Dear Sam Hunt.....
Finally, a man sings about what most women are scared to admit!!! Thank you for writing and releasing "Take Your Time" for women like myself who have had their hearts broken at least once in their lifetime. Thank you for understanding how some women think. If guys would understand and listen to this song, they'd get a lot more chances instead of being passed off for the next guy. The next guy is just like him and the cycle repeats itself.
Signed,
A woman who has had her heartbroken and is that woman you sing about
If you have not heard the new song by Sam Hunt "Take Your Time".... Here you go!!! :)
